January 20, 2010

365 Project: Day 89

Photoshop is amazing. I learned how to use this program about 10 years ago and, wow, it has come a long way since then. It is one of the many tools that enables me to express myself creatively. Its just incredible what you can accomplish with this one program. I've been working on learning some new skills and techniques lately and I am having so much fun playing around with it.

This smoke effect could not better describe my state of mind this week. I've just been going crazy with stress. I've known I would be a photographer since I was 7 years old, but pursuing it as my full time job is really new to me. The work and sales are still really inconsistent at this point and its a scary feeling when funds are getting low and it starts to sink in that maybe I should try to find a job. Ugh. There is no worse hell that I can imagine at this point than having a full time job. When I'm working at a job, I melt down creatively. Its not that I don't want to work. Believe me, I work harder now than I ever did with a full time job. But its a different kind of work. Sitting in a beige office with utility carpeting, florescent lighting, little bobble head dolls and various other knick-knacks on people's desks just crushes my soul.

I walked into an office today to pay a bill and almost had a panic attack. Walking through the rows of desks, phones ringing in the background, people glued to their rolling desk chairs, motivational posters on the walls, cubicle partitions...I don't want that sort of life. Its just not for me. I stood in line waiting to pay my bill and seriously started to break out in a sweat just thinking that I could be working in a place like this in the very near future. I could just feel my dreams starting to slip away from me.

My dream of being a full time photographer is like my baby. I'll do anything to defend and protect it. I am so happy with my life right now, that the thought of losing it all because of something as stupid as money is just devastating. But, the universe (or whatever you believe) came to my rescue once again. I don't know why I ever doubt that there is a plan for me. This is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. This is exactly where I'm supposed to be and things have just fallen into place yet again. Somehow, whenever I need help the most, it just appears and I'm amazed every time it happens. This has turned out to be an amazing week and I'm so glad that everything has worked out.

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