January 6, 2010

365 Project: Day 82

I woke up really stressed out this morning. It was the strangest thing. I was in a panic. There was a lot to get accomplished today, but that's not really different from any other day in my life. Sometimes, when I have a lot to do, even though I'm organized and I've made a list of what needs to be accomplished, I lose direction. I'll find myself standing, usually in the middle of my house for some reason, just trying to decide what I need to do first. That's when I start to feel overwhelmed. I'll just stand there or pace around thinking and trying to sort everything out in my head. Then I usually do the dishes or clean something. For some reason, doing the dishes calms me down. Maybe because my hands are busy and I can focus, accomplish something that needs to be taken care of, and burn off some of my nervous energy all at the same time.

I realize its not only the tasks on my list today that are stressing me out, but that's what I focus on. Even though I absolutely love my life right now, there are always those little issues. For one thing, I am exhausted. I don't sleep much or well when I do manage to fall asleep. Money, or my lack thereof really upsets me, even subconsciously. I try not to think about it, but every now and then, it'll creep up on me. There is a reason that the term "Starving Artist" exists, its not a myth. I think it gets to me because I know I'm working so incredibly hard and I'm trying the best I can to pull it all together. I LOVE what I do and that's why I keep at it, but I never seem to get ahead. All this work is toward an ultimate goal, and that's what keeps me going. The tasks on my list, those are the things I have control over. I can complete a list of tasks, but I can't make money magically appear and I can't force myself to rest. Believe me, I've tried to do both. So, every now and then, I have a day like today. A day where all of the things I try not to think about confront me. A day that is overwhelming and upsetting and unbelievably stressful.

Working out helps. I had a long workout today. I'm going to hurt like hell tomorrow, but I feel better right now. Then, I laid down and read a book for a short while so I had time to just breathe. I got to lose myself in Edgar Cayce's life for half an hour. Maybe that's why I like to read biographies. I get to experience someone else's life and avoid whatever is bothering me about mine.

I finished most of the tasks on my list today. I kept up with several of my New Year's resolutions. Those are accomplishments to be happy about. Just as I'm writing this post, I received several positive comments on my photography and an email letting me know that I was featured on a really great blog today! Those are the things that make this struggle all worth while for me. One day all of my hard work will pay off and I will finally get ahead. I know tomorrow I'll be just fine.

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