January 13, 2010

365 Project: Day 84

On the road....again. I just can't seem to stay home these days. I'm off to fulfill another of my many New Year's resolutions, to photograph more musicians. This weekend I'm shooting Mike Kelly, Asleep At The Wheel, and Bleu Edmondson.

Long drives alone through the desert are good for contemplating the complexities of life. On my drive I was thinking about why I waited so long to really pursue my dreams of being a photographer. I've known this is what I wanted to be since I was a little kid. I'm going be 27 next month and I have just now gotten my butt in gear? I know what was holding me back: fear. Knowing what you want out of life is scary. What if I try as hard as I can and it just doesn't happen? Then what am I going to do? Failure is not an option here. I have no back up plan. This is the only plan.

I feel like I'm getting a late start, but I guess its better late than never. Maybe its good that I hesitated for so long. Now, I'm older, I'm wiser and this time around I really mean it. I really want this. I see now what I was missing out on during all those years of being afraid. How did I ever expect to get what I wanted if I never even really tried? I've realized that not trying my hardest is failing and that is unacceptable.

I look back on all of that time and now I see myself clear as day. I wonder what in the world did I think I was doing? I wouldn't call all those years a waste of time though. They were only a waste if I learned nothing and I feel like I have gained so much from that experience. All those years of internal struggle, being afraid of my ambition and not really understanding why I was unhappy. I could have lived my entire life that way. I guess that's just my style. Stubborn. I don't learn unless I struggle. This lesson took me almost 10 years to learn the hard way. They say hindsight is 20/20 and man, they are right. My future may be blurry, but at least I know I'm headed in the right direction.

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