365 Project: Day 141

I realized something today. As of October 13th, I should have been finished with my 365 project. Alas, I am not even half way done. I was looking back on what I was doing a year ago today, and my life is SO much different than it was then. The pink toenails and library books are still here, but I'm in a completely different place now. I feel like I have grown and changed so much as a person.

   

 The last year of my life has been a huge learning experience. I feel like I'm headed in a similar, yet different direction than I was then. I'm learning how to be much happier and its actually working. I'm taking responsibility of my financial life, and for once I'm setting goals and planning for my future. I have always believed that a person can do anything they want with their lives. For once, I'm not only believing that I can reach my goals, I'm actually creating a plan to make those things happen. It feels very positive and like I'm taking an active approach to living my life. 

365 Project: Day 134

I'm working hard to make some major changes in my life. I feel like there are so many things that I should be doing that I'm not, many things I want to do that I haven't, and many things I shouldn't be doing that I am. All of that has to change. I feel this sudden urgency to get it together. 

As a teenager I daydreamed about the life I wanted to live, and back then, it all seemed possible. I remember being so hopeful and feeling like I had so much time to figure everything out. I didn't know about all of the distractions and detours and dead ends that can come up along the road of life. There are so many ways to lose yourself and I'm feeling very lost lately. I know where I want to end up and I know where I've been, but somehow I've wandered off my path and I've gotten lost in this maze. My frustration has been building and building and I've finally reached a breaking point. I have to do something. Its time to get my priorities straight.

365 Project: Day 133

My back is killing me today. Its all achy and knotted up from sitting for too long. I've been working really hard lately, which means long hours in front of my computer. My eyes are so tired that the right one is starting to twitch...again.

Thank God I'm leaving town this weekend. It'll be nice to take a road trip and get away for a little while. I'm really looking forward to just getting in the car and driving. Plus, I'm going somewhere I've never been before with some of my favorite people. Its just what I need right now.

365 Project: Day 129

I love hotels. I love the little shampoos, the fold out stand that you put your suitcase on, the little fridge, seeing all the people who are traveling to and from who knows where...its great.

Think of all the people who have stayed in that room, from all over the place. Where were they going? Why did they stop there? Where had they been? They should keep a guest book in every single hotel room for people to write the story of their travels. That's a book I'd love to read.

365 Project: Day 127

Oh inspiration....where are you? An old friend of mine keeps telling me to look up. I'm not sure what this means, or why he keeps telling me to do so. I tried it. FYI Paul, it didn't work.

I have so many ideas...that's not really the issue. The problem is actually putting them into action. Its the process of creating that is, well, for the lack of a better word...its stuck. My creativity, which is usually flowing like a river, has slowed to an annoying drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet. 

Its such a strange feeling. Creating isn't an essential human need like water or food. I will technically live without it, but it is essential to my sanity. I find it fascinating that when I think of what this feels like to me, I think of physical pain. I feel like the person I am inside of this body is being deprived of something I need. Its become this torturous process for me. Its stifling. I feel like I'm gasping for a breath of air that just isn't enough to sustain me. 

I'm working on it though. I'm going through the motions. Its so frustrating to have all of this inside of me and not be able to do anything about it. I'm creatively paralyzed. I have all these ideas and goals but I just can't get them out of my head and into reality. Forcing it only makes it worse. I'm only getting more and more frustrated. I need to be patient and wait for it all to come naturally. Once I stop obsessing, I know everything will come so much easier. The problem is....I'm not a patient person.

365 Project: Day 126

I find myself standing like this when I'm really thinking about something. I stretch my arms up, I pull my hair away from my face, I take a deep breath and I rest my hands on my head. You can even see me doing this in Day 31's picture. I've been catching myself standing like this and looking out the window a lot lately. Its interesting the things you notice yourself doing when you're just being yourself. 

I look out the window or I stand on the porch and I just stare. Not at anything in particular...just into the distance. I don't know what is going on with me lately. I'm tired, I'm on edge, I'm unmotivated, I'm frustrated, I can't focus on one thing for more than five minutes at a time. I'm bored. I feel like I've hit a wall on so many levels. Creatively, personally, mentally. I think the inevitable has happened and I have burned myself out. I'm right on schedule though. I shouldn't be surprised. Its been about one year in the same place and I have that anxious feeling growing in the pit of my stomach. I should have expected it.

I've had this stagnant feeling many times before. Something is missing. I'm impatient for a change. I feel myself being pulled away from this place, from my routine, from my life. It doesn't seem like I'm moving in the right direction. Or any direction at all. This nervous energy is building inside of me. Its like I'm about to burst and go flying in 500 directions at once just for the sake of progress. I'm trying to hold it in, but I am constantly asking myself, "What am I doing? What's the next step?" It consumes me.

I want to be able to look out the window and for once be content. I just want to be satisfied. But I don't think I'm capable of that. I can't imagine a point in my life that it will ever happen. I will only be satisfied in a state of constant motion. I am a restless soul. *sigh*

365 Project: Day 122

Summer is by FAR my favorite time of year. I worship the sun. Although I do wear sunscreen everyday...even in the winter. During the Summer the days are longer, the nights are all warm and fuzzy, I don't have to wear shoes, I can go swimming and camping, BBQ, 4th of July, fireworks, etc. There are too many good things about summer to list.  

I was able to sit outside this morning and enjoy my breakfast of coffee and cinnamon toast before the wind picked up. Its so nice to take a few minutes to enjoy the morning. Of course, I had been up since 6:52 am and had already gotten a good amount of work done before I decided to enjoy my morning around 9:30 am. At least I made an effort to take a second for myself today. I was proud of myself for that.

365 Project: Day 121

My sister and I drove down to our parents' house this weekend to spend Mother's Day with our mother and grandmother. It was so nice outside and my car was filthy so I decided to wash it the old fashioned way. No motorized brushes. No high pressure sprayer. Just me, bucket of soapy water, and the hose. Just being outside in the hot sun, wet driveway under my bare feet, radio playing classic rock in the garage...it started to feel like summer. 

365 Project: Day 120

It was such a nice day outside today. It was warm, sunny, and (for once) not windy. I'm so happy that its almost summer. I wait all year for summer. I also found the biggest Dandelion I've ever seen today. It was a good day.

365 Project: Day 119

Tuckered. There is no better word for how I'm feeling right now. Its been a long day. I just want to melt into my bed right now.

365 Project: Day 118

The past week has been chaos around my house. The police have been at the house across the street everyday for a week. They've been arresting people, hauling stuff out of the house, and still continuing to stake it out from an incredibly obvious van that I've seen parked in the street. Today there was a cop chasing a car down my street when they refused to pull over. I'm starting to worry.

On top of that, there has been a construction crew at my house every day for over a week now. They are turing that garage full of junk that I took my picture in front of on Day 108 into a studio apartment. I snuck in there today to take a peek. I'm a little annoyed that the landlord chose to put money into converting the garage instead up fixing the two houses that are already falling down on the property. I think this will be a nice little apartment for someone once its finished though. It would make the perfect office for me if I could afford to rent it. Or if I actually wanted to stay in this house another second. With all the craziness around here lately I can't wait to move out of here!

365 Project: Day 117

I love 24 hour places. Restaurants, gas stations, bars, etc., I love them all. There is just something about a business that NEVER closes that I find really interesting. I have become a sort of connoisseur of these kinds of places. That was my favorite thing about Las vegas. EVERYTHING is 24 hours! Its like heaven.

My new favorite 24 hour place is Harold's Laundries. This place is amazing! Its a 24 hour convenience store that is also a laundromat. I love it! The laundromat part is genius! All it needs is public showers and you could practically live there.

The convenience store is small, but its stocked with all the essentials: sodas, chips, stale "fresh" pastries, candy bars and a sassy elderly woman who has obviously smoked most of her life/ gotten too much sun behind the counter. In addition to all the traditional goodies, they also have an ample assortment of miniature laundry soaps: liquids and powders. There is even one of those Claw arcade machines that are impossible to ever win a stuffed animal out of, and a candy/sticker/temporary tattoo/crap you don't need dispensers that every kid loves. 

I took a ton of pictures there today while waiting for the laundry to finish. I can't wait to show you guys.

365 Project: Day 116

The wind is so crazy today! Not so long ago I couldn't wait for Spring to start, but now I can't wait for it to be over. I forgot that Spring in New Mexico comes with a lot of really windy days. Its like mother nature's own special form of torture. The temperature finally warms up, but you have to deal with blowing sand, dirt in your teeth, your hair all tangled, allergies, etc. It sucks.

365 Project: Day 115

There are beautiful white flowers blooming in the front yard. They are right next to the porch. I smile every time I run by them on my way to or from somewhere I'm inevitably in a hurry to get to. Its nice to notice the little things these days. Lately I feel like my life is flying by while I stumble through with my head down just trying to get through the day task by task. The days seem to just blur together. 

Thank goodness for little white flowers.

365 Project: Day 114

I'm feeling a little less stressed, a little more motivated, and a lot more organized today. I think the beautiful, warm sunshine is making me feel a lot better. The constant desert wind in the Spring just makes everything feel so chaotic. 

The past few weeks have been overwhelming. My mile long to do list has suddenly taken over my life. It seems like as I slowly cross things off, more and more and more just keeps piling on. As a result I'm not only keeping one calendar with my schedule, but two, just to keep track of everything. One in my purse and one in my phone. I have a ringer alert for every single thing that must get done. My life has been planned out hour by hour for the last month. Its exhausting. 

Its hard for me not to take on the world. I'd like to believe that I can do anything. And I can. I may develop severe headaches, and eye twitches in the process, but I am capable of anything. That sounds really healthy, I'm sure. (Please note the sarcasm and eye rolling here.) 

I have this constant compulsion to work and create and just keep pushing and pushing and pushing myself until I just can't go on. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I can't seem to stop it. If I'm not working on something, then I'm thinking about what I "should" be working on. I'm obsessed. I will work myself to exhaustion at the expense of my health, my sanity, my relationships, and my personal life. There is a certain satisfaction I feel when things are getting accomplished. Yes, I realize that this is problem. No, I don't think it will ever change. 

365 Project: Day 113

I'm back! Don't be fooled, this is no indication that I'm actually getting caught up with all of my ongoing projects. I just miss my 365. I'm so sad that it has fallen by the wayside in my effort to "do it all". But here is it.

Day 113. Sara sans makeup. Those of you who know me have probably NEVER even seen me without at least a little makeup. I don't leave the house without it...ever. The sad state I'm in is a direct result of my schedule, stress level, and lack of tolerance for the unnecessary right now. Makeup is unfortunately not necessary, as much as I'd like to think it is, and today it just became one more thing for me to do.

At this point my stress level is such that my left eye has been twitching for 11 straight days. Not to mention off and on for a week before that. I'm seriously considering getting an eye patch. Maybe I'll bedazzle it.

365 Project: Day 112

I think I may have a problem. My camera collection has officially exceeded my available shelf space. Actually, I ran out of space a while ago. I've been finding creative ways of arranging my cameras so that I can cram as many of them as possible onto the limited shelf space I have in my tiny room. But now its really official. I am out of places to put them.

These cameras are my babies. I love them all. They all work. When I see one sitting in a thrift store I just can't stop myself from picking it up. I especially love Polaroid cameras. I got two new-to-me vintage Polaroid cameras a couple of weeks ago. They both work, but the Polaroids they take aren't made anymore. I was so excited when I saw them in the thrift store. They both came with the original hard case and a ton of little accessories and goodies to go with them. Whoever owned them must have really been into photography. They took really good care of these cameras and I am so thrilled that they now belong to me!

So here I am. All these cameras and nowhere to put them. What am I going to do? I'm not going to stop collecting them. That's for sure. 

365 Project: Day 111

I have dressed and undressed this manequin probably 500 times in the last few days. I've been shooting some of Modern Cowgirl's T-shirts for their website. I started looking at this mannequin and thinking, "This is supposed to be the standard female form?" I think I can honestly say that I know maybe one or two woman who look like this. Maybe. No wonder we're all screwed up when it comes to body image. 

365 Project: Day 110

I changed the locks at my house today. Someone, somewhere out there has my purse, my house keys, my ID with my address, my cell phone, my debit card, and about 10 rolls of exposed medium format film. 

My purse was thrown from the car while I was driving down the freeway last weekend. I don't even want to get into the details of how that happened. But, some jerk found it. How do I know that someone found it? Because they returned it like they should have? No, of course not. That would be too much to ask of our society. I found out because there was about $40 worth of games and rap/hip hop ringtones charged to my phone the following day. 

It worries me a little that some person out there has my address and house keys, but it has been a week without incident so I'm sure its fine. However, I'm still changing the locks. You just never know.

365 Project: Day 109

I was so excited when this baby was delivered to my house! A 30"x30" print of my "Shade" image. I almost didn't want to send it off to its rightful owner. Its really amazing to see something I created reproduced that large. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a billboard of one of my images. I don't think I could handle it.

An interior designer from San Francisco emailed me a couple of weeks ago about this image. She was interested in having it blown up for her client's kitchen. I was stoked! I knew the file could be printed this large, but I had never actually tried it before. When I saw that it had been delivered I couldn't wait to tear the package open. It was like unwrapping a gigantic present on Christmas morning! But, a gigantic present that I could only enjoy for a minute because it belonged to someone else. 

I know the people at the Post Office must love it when I walk in carrying packages like this. I sell 20"x20" prints all the time and I ship everything flat. The packages are always awkward for them to handle, they don't fit on the scales properly, they have to be measured with a tape measure. Its just a lot of extra work for them when there is a line of impatient, disgruntled people trailing out the door, which there always is at this particular Post Office. 

That's why I loved Tina. She was my favorite USPS employee. Always very sweet, always smiling no matter how large of a package I brought in, always conversational with a little hint of sarcasm. I make many trips to the Post Office down the street, so I've gotten to know Tina a little. But, sadly, Friday was her last day. She's moving on to another Post Office location. I made a special trip to mail a package out on Friday just so I could bid her farewell on her last day. 

Its funny how you can become a little attached to your favorite people to see in passing. The barista at your favorite coffee house, the guy who works at the dry cleaners, a waitress at a local hole in the wall, the bar tender at the little bar up the street, and the sweet and helpful postal employee. All people who you don't really know, but you do. You see them only in passing, only for a few minutes at a time. You know almost nothing about them personally, but they still have a place in your life and its sad when they are gone. Now, when I go to the Post Office Tina won't be there and that makes me a little sad. I sort of wish she was there to send out the biggest print I've ever sold.