February 8, 2010

365 Project: Day 100

I woke up this morning to find my car encased in a block of ice. The doors were even frozen shut. I'm looking out the window at it right now. I don't want to go outside in this mess. I hate winter, I hate being cold, I hate snow, and I hate scraping the ice off of my car. I can't wait until Spring. 

This is Day 100 of my 365 project and I feel like I have just barely made it. I have been so incredibly busy and exhausted lately that this project has sadly started to fall through the cracks. There are just not enough hours in the day to get everything finished and eat and be social and sleep and maybe even shower once in a while. However, I love this project and I am going to try my hardest to finish it. I may not be able to take a picture every single day, but I will take 365 pictures by the end of it.
It amazes me the response I get when I'm not posting every day. I get emails, comments, I'll randomly run into people I know who ask me why they haven't seen a new entry lately. I had no idea that people were really paying attention to what I was doing. But, I must admit, I miss it too. I promise I will try harder. 

February 1, 2010

365 Project: Day 99

I love photo shoot days. Its amazing how happy I am with a camera in my hand. I had a photo shoot today for Modern Cowgirl's spring collection. I've done a shoot with these two ladies before and I always have such a blast with them. Its so great to be able to work and laugh hysterically at the same time. 
I wish I could do this type of work all the time. Editorial fashion photography is one of my favorite things to do. I really just love photographing people in general. I enjoy my fine art work, but its just not the same. There is something about the entire photo shoot process that makes me all excited. From location scouting and shopping for props, to hair and make up, the shoot itself and getting that first look at the images on my screen...I love it all. In the past I have thought about getting more into the production side of photo shoots. Maybe as a producer or a stylist. That part of the process is so much fun for me. But then I would miss out on the fun of shooting. I think I'll just stick to producing my own shoots for now.

Today was a good day.

January 31, 2010

365 Project: Day 98

I know. This isn't my typical self portrait. But what this picture is about is more important to me right now. These are my feet standing in the middle of my street. This is the asphalt right in front of my house. At 2 o'clock this morning. A man was shot right here. 

I heard the entire thing. You all know I don't sleep, and at 2 o'clock this morning I was laying in bed, lights dimmed, with my headphones on, enjoying a little music. That's when I heard gunshots. 

There is a woman who lives across the street from me, a couple of houses to the left. She and her boyfriend have an incredibly dramatic relationship. I've never even seen them, but I have heard several screaming and yelling fights in the street. I definitely know more about their relationship than I care to, and so does the rest of the neighborhood. Its like a soap opera over there. They just can't seem to get along. Last weekend, in the midst of a fight, he sped out of the driveway in his truck and rammed her car...on purpose. I've never heard a woman scream like she did. She was attacking his truck and yelling at him through the driver's side window. You'd think he'd run over her dog or something. He sped away and left her in the middle of the street, still screaming after him. 

You'd think that after multiple public screaming and yelling altercations and your boyfriend purposefully crashing into your car, you'd decide that things just weren't working out and maybe, i don't know, breakup or something. Apparently thats not the way everyone thinks. You know, rationally. I'm not sure how things escalated this time. I'm not even sure that the woman was involved. I never heard a word out of her. All I heard were gunshots. When I took off my headphones, I heard another gunshot and several men yelling, running and speeding off into the night. One of the men had been shot. I could hear him yelling "I'm hit. I'm hit!". I'm assuming he was only wounded because he was still running and yelling. As his friends were shoving him into the car I heard them saying that he was bleeding everywhere. 

At this point, I'm sitting indian style in my bed, being very quiet. I was even breathing slower and softer. I was listening, waiting to hear what would happen next. There was no way I was going to look out the window for the fear that I might see something that would scar me for life. 

As soon as they drove off, tires squealing, the street was again quiet. Just as it should be at 2 in the morning. Just as if nothing had happened. Then, the calvary arrived. Police were everywhere. In cars, in SUVs, in a helicopter with a spotlight, on foot with flashlights. They swarmed the neighborhood like insects on a rotting animal's corpse in one of those time lapse videos you'd see on the Discovery Channel or somewhere. They were spotlighting houses and cars, looking in the street, knocking on doors. It was all quite the scene. I watched them scour every inch of the block looking for....well, I'm not quite sure what they were looking for. Blood? Bullet casings? You know, evidence. Maybe I've seen too many cop shows. A little while later I nodded off to sleep with cops still deep into their investigation.

All of this just takes me back to my previous statement. Something is not right in the world right now. People are doing crazy things and reacting in irrational, violent ways. What possesses a person to try and kill someone in the street? Over what? A woman? Money? Hurt feelings? Drugs? Respect? Apparently respect is a really big deal. What is going on in this hypersensitive, overreactive world? Oddly enough my reaction to this situation wasn't fear. It was sadness. Sadness for these people and the chaotic, over dramatic, stressful lives they must live. What kind of life is that? 

January 30, 2010

Hot Child in the City Triptyc

I like the way things look from above. I don't mind heights at all. I love to fly. I must always have a window seat so I can look out at the world below. I've been skydiving. I like standing on the rooftops of buildings. This is what San Francisco looks like from a hotel roofdeck.  Isn't it romantic...

My Hot Child in the City triptych print is now available in my Etsy shop.

January 27, 2010

365 Project: Day 97

You don't have to see my whole face to recognize the sadness and worry captured in my eye. I heard some horrifying news today about an old, dear friend of mine and it just crushed my heart. My attachment to and love for my friends is very powerful. It takes a lot for me to let someone into my life and really consider them a close friend and I consider those friends to be my family. They are a part of me and I would do ANYTHING for them. When they're hurting or going through something terrible in their lives, I feel it in the deepest part of me. I get this overwhelming compulsion to help them and comfort them and be there for them. Knowing that they are beyond my help is devastating to me. I always want nothing but the best for everyone and I personally know so many people who are in a lot of pain right now for various reasons. I feel so helpless and my heart is just breaking for them.

I've got this sinking feeling that something is going terribly wrong in the world right now. I feel it in my gut. I feel like something just isn't right. Yes, I realize that its a cruel, cruel world and bad things happen every day. But I feel like its different. Something has shifted. Natural disasters, economy, hardship, suffering, heartbreak, politics, bad relationships, bad choices. We are living in a very sensitive time. People are distraught. People are on edge. People are at a breaking point. I keep hearing sad story after sad story, not just about the world in general, but from the people in my life. People need help. So, what can I do to help you?

January 26, 2010

365 Project: Day 96

I can't WAIT for summer. I'm going stir crazy from spending so much time inside. Winter is not my favorite season at all. Its cold, dry, windy, it snows, the days are shorter, everything turns all brown and twiggy. Honestly, I hate it. It would be fine with me if we skipped right from Fall to Spring without even a single snowflake. I'm just dreaming of a summer day, or better yet, a summer night.

I want to go outside...without a jacket. I want to sit in my house with all the windows open. I want to go for walks at night in a tank top and flip flops. I want to go swimming. I want to lay on the beach with the hot breeze blowing in my hair. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want a sno cone. I want the smell of blooming flowers. I want to be bare foot without frozen toes.

But, its still only January. I'll just have to hibernate in my sweaters and jackets for a little longer. *sigh*

January 25, 2010

365 Project: Day 95

World, meet my first love. My first real camera. My mom gave this camera to my dad as a gift when they were dating. My baby pictures were taken with it. I found it in a closet when I was about 13 years old.  It was just sitting there, waiting for me to grow up and discover it. It was just waiting to be mine. So it could play its part in my life. So it could help me fulfill my destiny. So it could be my first true love, my best friend, my outlet, my crutch, my ice breaker, my passion, my catalyst, my hero. It was just waiting to show me who I was meant to be.

This is my most cherished possession. It was the first step in my journey. Who would I be without it?

January 24, 2010

He loves me...

...he loves me not.

I love flowers. Even when they're dying, they still manage to be beautiful.
New print now available in my Etsy shop.


365 Project: Day 94

Art. Its my life. Its everything to me. There is nothing in this world that brings me more happiness than art, creativity, and self expression. Humans are so incredibly complex, and having the ability to express those complexities in a visual way just amazes me. I love that I can show people what I am feeling through my camera. Its such a freeing experience to spill myself out through a lens, or through a drawing or a painting. Yes, I also draw, and yes, I attempt to paint.

Art museums are some of my favorite places in the world. I fell in love with the Getty. I could spend days and days in there. But, the thing about me and museums, is that I like to go alone. That way I can take my time. I can browse, I can observe, I can really take in what I'm seeing. I often just bring along my iPod, put on my headphones and peruse the exhibits to the soundtrack of my choosing.  I hate being rushed by someone who maybe just isn't moved in the same way by a Jackson Pollack painting. I can sit in front of a Jackson Pollack for hours. I find his work so energizing. A lot of people don't get it, or just don't like it, and that's ok. But I absorb his work like a little sponge. The other reason I like to go alone, is because as much as I love art, I don't like to discuss it. I don't want to stand in front of a Monet and talk about color, composition, brush strokes. I just want to enjoy it. I want to take it all in without someone chattering away in my ear.

One of my favorite exhibits was an Andy Warhol exhibit I saw when I was living in San Jose. I always really loved Andy Warhol, as an artist and as a character. If you don't know anything about his life, it was fascinating. I highly recommend reading his biography. So, here is my little tribute to Pop Art.


January 23, 2010

Once Upon a Time...

Now, where do I begin? This blank page holds so much possibility. A poem, a novel, a letter...its all up to you and your imagination. What's your story?

Now this print is available in my Etsy shop!


January 22, 2010

Picture this

After many, many requests for framing options, I went looking all over Albuquerque for decorative and affordable frames. I think these vintage frames are the perfect complement to the nostalgic style of my photography. So now, selected prints are available in vintage frames! There are several different frames that will soon be available in my Etsy shop in addition to these.









Each frame has been cleaned up, but still has that aged and distressed vintage look. They are sealed in the back with brown framing paper to protect the prints. These frames can be propped up in a display or hung with the claw hanger on the back. I just love them. They remind me of the framed family pictures that hung in the hallway at my grandmother's house.


January 21, 2010

365 Project: Day 93

I woke up this morning with the groggy haze of sleep thick in my head. I couldn't sleep last night. I just couldn't settle. I tried watching a movie, I tried listening to some music...and nothing. Not one droopy eye lid, not one yawn. I was wide awake. I finally nodded off around 4:30 this morning.

When I finally pried myself out of bed around 11 o'clock I didn't even think twice when I put on the boots that were next to my bed instead of the slippers I usually wear in the morning. I slipped my arms into my robe and headed to the kitchen to make a BIG pot of coffee. Its wasn't until I had finished that first cup that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized what I was wearing. I paused, cup in hand, and looked myself over in the full length mirror. I had to laugh and shake my head at myself. I might have even rolled my eyes. I looked ridiculous and I had been walking around for at least an hour like this before I even noticed that I was wearing boots.

These are the little moments that make me aware of myself from an outside perspective. I like that I can laugh at myself and these little quirks in my personality. Things like this are what make me who I am. These are the moments that make up my life. These are the private little moments that make up my relationship with myself. It was one of those moments when you catch yourself just being yourself.

365 Project: Day 92

I am a list maker. I always have been. I live my life task by task, checking things off of a never ending to do list. I was thinking, if I make a daily to do list, why shouldn't I make a to do list for my life. So, I've decided that I'm going to make a running list of all the things that I want to experience or accomplish in my life. Dreams, goals, travel destinations, milestones, landmarks or places I want to visit, things I want to photograph. Sort of a map of the places that i'd like for life to take me. Sort of a bucket list I guess. But I don't want to think of it as a list of things to do before I die. That just feels like I'm working against the clock. I'd be checking things off my list as more of a means to an end. Who knows when I'll die anyway? That could happen tomorrow for all I know. I want to think of it more as a guideline for living my life. I have so many random things that I want to do or projects I want to start, and as life goes on, those things get forgotten, or put off until another day. You know, that magical day when everything is finally perfect, the stars align, I have more free time, more money, etc. I hate to break it to myself, but that day may never come and I can't just keep waiting for it. So, its time to come up with a game plan.


By the way, these headphones are my new favorite toy. Well, I guess my new favorite old toy. These were mine a really long time ago and I gave them to my sister for whatever reason a few years ago. She just found them in a box yesterday and gave them back to me. I love the way music sounds through headphones like these. Earbuds are just not the same. Listening to music with these headphones is like hearing your favorite songs for the first time all over again! If you are a music lover and don't own a really good pair of headphones, I highly suggest you rectify that situation immediately.

January 20, 2010

365 Project: Day 91

No one knows I come here, but I come here all the time. Its quiet. Its beautiful. Its the perfect place to watch an amazing New Mexico sunset. I can always be alone here. I sit, I think, I pace, I listen to music, I watch the people walking down below, I observe the people in the offices across the street, I listen to the sounds of the lives going on around me, I enjoy the breeze. Spending time up here gives me great perspective both literally and figuratively.



Its nice to have a place in the middle of a city where you can hide out for a while and find a little peace.

365 Project: Day 90

I saw a theme for a photography contest today: What is love? I think I might enter this image. Its not really the sappy hearts and flowers picture that the judges are probably expecting. I've written about love before, but I've never asked myself this specific question. What is love?

Honestly, I can say, I don't think I know anymore. My past experiences with love, in a romantic sense,  have gone from wonderful to frustrating, confusing, and painful. I've lost a lot of myself in relationships. Every time I meet someone new it only gets more and more difficult to give my heart away. Now days, I tend to keep a safe distance.

Each time a relationship ends I retreat to lick my wounds. I hide away and try to put myself back together, stitch by stitch. I won't let anyone in for a long time. Its tough to get through the layer of scar tissue that has grown around my heart. It gets thicker and harder with every break, every wound, every little prick of a hurt feeling.

Right now I feel like things are as they should be. My heart is back in its rightful place. The stitches will hold me together until I can heal completely. It'll take a while, but I'll be good as new one day.

So I ask myself...what is love? To me, love is a broken heart on the mend.

365 Project: Day 89

Photoshop is amazing. I learned how to use this program about 10 years ago and, wow, it has come a long way since then. It is one of the many tools that enables me to express myself creatively. Its just incredible what you can accomplish with this one program. I've been working on learning some new skills and techniques lately and I am having so much fun playing around with it.

This smoke effect could not better describe my state of mind this week. I've just been going crazy with stress. I've known I would be a photographer since I was 7 years old, but pursuing it as my full time job is really new to me. The work and sales are still really inconsistent at this point and its a scary feeling when funds are getting low and it starts to sink in that maybe I should try to find a job. Ugh. There is no worse hell that I can imagine at this point than having a full time job. When I'm working at a job, I melt down creatively. Its not that I don't want to work. Believe me, I work harder now than I ever did with a full time job. But its a different kind of work. Sitting in a beige office with utility carpeting, florescent lighting, little bobble head dolls and various other knick-knacks on people's desks just crushes my soul.

I walked into an office today to pay a bill and almost had a panic attack. Walking through the rows of desks, phones ringing in the background, people glued to their rolling desk chairs, motivational posters on the walls, cubicle partitions...I don't want that sort of life. Its just not for me. I stood in line waiting to pay my bill and seriously started to break out in a sweat just thinking that I could be working in a place like this in the very near future. I could just feel my dreams starting to slip away from me.

My dream of being a full time photographer is like my baby. I'll do anything to defend and protect it. I am so happy with my life right now, that the thought of losing it all because of something as stupid as money is just devastating. But, the universe (or whatever you believe) came to my rescue once again. I don't know why I ever doubt that there is a plan for me. This is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. This is exactly where I'm supposed to be and things have just fallen into place yet again. Somehow, whenever I need help the most, it just appears and I'm amazed every time it happens. This has turned out to be an amazing week and I'm so glad that everything has worked out.

January 19, 2010

365 Project: Day 88

This is how stress feels to me. It binds me, restrains me, holds me back. It takes a lot of focus for me to free myself from its grasp. I tend to fixate on whatever is stressing me out. My mind gets clouded in a panic and I find it really hard to concentrate on fixing the situation. The worst part is, I know this about myself and I still do it anyway.

I've been really stressed out this week. Everything has turned out to be fine, as it always does. For some reason, knowing that everything will work itself out doesn't ever seem to comfort me when I'm in the throws of my stress panic. There has never been a situation in my life that hasn't worked itself out in some way or another. So why do I stress? Why am I afraid? Why do I let it get to me? Why is it so hard for me to believe that everything will be just fine?

January 18, 2010

365 Project: Day 87

Ugh. Laundry. Its one of those annoying little tasks in life that you just have to do. Its right up there with dishes and grocery shopping for me. I despise having to do it. I'll let my dirty clothes pile up as long as possible before I actually make the effort to wash anything. The day always comes when you get up and go to the closet to get dressed only to find that there's not one single thing that is suitable to wear. In my life, that day is also known as laundry day. Otherwise, I just can't force myself to do it. The washer and dryer on this rental property are in a little cinderblock shack behind the house. Its terribly inconvenient to have to drag my laundry outside and through the backyard, not to mention its freezing now that its winter. However, having a washer and dryer at all is a big plus for a renter. I shouldn't complain. As much as I hate doing laundry, I hate going to the laundry mat even more. Something grosses me out about washing my clothes in a machine that countless numbers of other people have used. The dryers never manage to get your clothes completely dry, always requiring one or more additional quarters to finish the job. I swear they're rigged.



People watching at the laundry mat is fascinating though. There's a certain crowd of people who you run into at the laundry mat. I've seen some pretty strange people hanging out washing their clothes. There's always that person who comes in carrying a year's worth of laundry and with no consideration for anyone else, uses almost every single washer in the place. Or the person who puts their clothes in the washing machine and then just leaves. Where do they think they're going? What do they expect is going to happen when the washer is finished and other people are waiting to use it? That's when you get into shady territory with boundary issues. There is that point when the person has been gone so long that you have to decide if its appropriate to take their laundry out of the washer so you can use it. I mean, there is a stranger's underwear in there. Do you really want to touch those? There's also that person who insists on talking on their cell phone the entire time they're washing their clothes. I was in a laundry mat once with a woman who was not only on her cell phone, but she was talking on speaker phone. What possesses a person to talk on their speaker phone in public is beyond me. Just today I drove past a laundry mat where there was a homeless man laying not only on the sidewalk, but across the sidewalk casually picking his nose. I'm usually the girl sitting as far away from everyone else as possible, headphones on, book in hand, trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

Most laundry mats are set up exactly the same. Washers and dryers, of course, rows of plastic chairs all linked together so you have to sit uncomfortably close to the person next to you, one or more televisions chained to the wall or on those hospital stands hanging from the ceiling, usually set on some horrible channel that no one wants to watch, overpriced vending machines that have been picked over so the only things left are trail mix or licorice, change dispensers that are inevitably out of order or just keep spitting out your dollar bill no matter how hard you try to flatten it out, tile floors with dryer lint and dust bunnies in the corners...its quite the scene.

January 16, 2010

365 Project: Day 86

I just pulled in the driveway after my weekend shooting Mike Kelly, Asleep at the Wheel, and Bleu Edmondson. Its so good to be home. I feel like I've been away a lot in the last few months and every time I return it makes me appreciate the feeling of home even more.

My bedroom has become a little world that I have created for myself. This is the first time I have really had my own room since I was 18. I was so excited to make this space my own. This tiny little room has become not only my bedroom, but also my office, my creative space, and my sanctuary. I spend the majority of my time in there.

There is something about standing in someone's own private space with all of their things that can tell you so much about them.  From the art they have hanging on the wall, or the lack thereof, to the color of their sheets, or the furniture. Are they a pack rat or a minimalist? The things that people choose to surround themselves with speak volumes about them. Standing in my room you probably get a really good understanding of my personality.

There are lots of nice, calming blues and greens. My room has big windows that let in a lot of light during the day. There are 3 lamps in this little space. I despise overhead lighting, so I rely solely on these lamps to give off a soft, warm glow at night. I have a small desk lamp with an embroidered shade, a japanese paper lantern and blue, glass vintage lamp. The switch on my wall never gets flipped. I also have a ton of Candle Cottage candles that add a little ambiance.

Having a desk I can tolerate sitting at all day is really important to me. I searched all over until I found the perfect little vintage desk. It was supposed to be used as a vanity, but I have repurposed it as my work space. Its small and made of actual wood, not that compressed particle board crap that they make most furniture out of these days. It has brass knobs on the drawers and small decorative detailing in the wood. Its perfect for me.

The walls are full of art and photography that inspires me. Some I created and some I didn't. I have three posters from Paul Michael Dellostritto. He designs incredible venue posters for bands and live music shows. There is a bulletin board above my desk full of Polaroids, inspiring quotes and pictures of family. I have my Shade image in a 20x20 framed print hanging next to my desk. That picture was taken on Crystal Beach, one of my favorite places in the world and I look at it often. There is a print of The Soul of the Rose by John Williams Waterhouse next to my bed. I've had this print since high school. It has those blues and greens that I love and the expression on the woman's face is so tranquil. She is lost in the moment and the scent of a rose and seems totally at peace.

In one corner I have a tall, black shelf full of books, photo albums, and vintage cameras. I don't keep many books around. I try to give them away or donate them once i've read them. The only books on the shelf are the ones I need for reference or ones that I really love and will read or look through again and again.

My vintage cameras all sit proudly on display on that same shelf. They are my babies and the only thing I collect.  I dream of all the pictures that they once took of events, families, friends and treasured memories in people's lives. I wish I could see the things they have seen.

My bed frame is black rod iron twisted into swirls and curly Qs. My mattress is covered with light cornflower blue sheets made of organic cotton. I have two pillows and I sleep with both of them at once. Each has a case to match the sheets. There is also a chocolate brown, chennile body pillow that I snuggle up next to. I have a down comforter with a soft, tan, micro suede duvet cover. My bed is amazing. Its a shame that I don't sleep much.

So, now that I'm home, I unpack the car, walk into my room, toss my coat on the bed and take a deep breath. Its so nice to have 4 walls I can call my own. A place where I can close the door behind me and decompress, relax, and spend time with myself. I love my little home.

January 14, 2010

Self Portrait Contest!

I'm working really hard to fulfill every single one of my New Year's Resolutions in 2010. One of those resolutions is to enter my work in as many photography contests as I can afford.



I'm so excited to say that I just entered the Artist Wanted Self Portrait Contest! The grand prize is 6 months free rent in NYC or $7007! The portfolio with the most public votes wins a $1,000 prize. Please vote for my portfolio!



Please spread the word! Blog, Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, email, call everyone you know. Make that social networking work! I want to WIN! Thank you guys for all the support! Keep your fingers crossed for me.