365 Project: Day 124

There are so many things about people and life and this world that I don't understand. I try so hard. 

Some days it just exhausts me. 

365 Project: Day 92

I am a list maker. I always have been. I live my life task by task, checking things off of a never ending to do list. I was thinking, if I make a daily to do list, why shouldn't I make a to do list for my life. So, I've decided that I'm going to make a running list of all the things that I want to experience or accomplish in my life. Dreams, goals, travel destinations, milestones, landmarks or places I want to visit, things I want to photograph. Sort of a map of the places that i'd like for life to take me. Sort of a bucket list I guess. But I don't want to think of it as a list of things to do before I die. That just feels like I'm working against the clock. I'd be checking things off my list as more of a means to an end. Who knows when I'll die anyway? That could happen tomorrow for all I know. I want to think of it more as a guideline for living my life. I have so many random things that I want to do or projects I want to start, and as life goes on, those things get forgotten, or put off until another day. You know, that magical day when everything is finally perfect, the stars align, I have more free time, more money, etc. I hate to break it to myself, but that day may never come and I can't just keep waiting for it. So, its time to come up with a game plan.

By the way, these headphones are my new favorite toy. Well, I guess my new favorite old toy. These were mine a really long time ago and I gave them to my sister for whatever reason a few years ago. She just found them in a box yesterday and gave them back to me. I love the way music sounds through headphones like these. Earbuds are just not the same. Listening to music with these headphones is like hearing your favorite songs for the first time all over again! If you are a music lover and don't own a really good pair of headphones, I highly suggest you rectify that situation immediately.

365 Project: Day 68

People have always told me how beautiful they thought the desert was. I never saw it when I was younger.  When I looked around, all I saw was brown, dead earth. Its hot as hell during the summer, freezing in the winter and the wind in the spring will knock you down. I never appreciated it growing up.

I moved away when I was 18. Every place I have lived since has been green and near a large body of water. I craved the ocean, fields of grass, and lush trees. But, every time I came back to the desert for a visit I appreciated it a little more. The vast, open sky amazed me more and more every time I left the confining buildings of the city. I started to see that the desert wasn't just brown. It was gold, rust, chocolate and so many other shades of the earth. 

For a few weeks at the end of summer there is a monsoon season in New Mexico. It will rain for days and days like its never going to stop. The land is so thirsty from a long summer and it soaks up every last drop. After the rain has passed, the desert explodes with growth. The once lifeless land grows into green fields and millions of beautiful wild flowers almost over night. It is amazing to see the transformation.

Now that I'm living in the desert again, I really identify with it. For the longest time I was dormant. I felt plain and lifeless.  But being back home and near my family and friends for the past few months has recharged me. I feel myself coming back to life. I see now that the desert isn't dead. It just doesn't have everything it needs to live and reach its full potential. With a little rain it can come alive and surprise you with a beauty you never expected.

365 Project: Day 61

Last night I had drinks with people I have known for at least 10 years. Conversations are different between people who know each other on that level. There's no need for small talk about the weather. You talk about things that matter and you care what they think. You can be really honest. I value the moments when you can have those sorts of conversations.

Amongst other things, we talked about regrets. I have no regrets. When I look back at the mistakes and bad decisions I've made, I am nothing but grateful for every one of them. Sure there are things I wish I hadn't done. But all of those things I wish I didn't do have made me the person I am today. And I like who I am. So how can I justify regretting those mistakes? When I think back on every stupid thing I've done, I just have to sigh, shake my head and laugh at myself because I know I would do it all over again in a second.

I know I have written this quote before, but I love it and I believe it and I live by it. Its on the bulletin board above my computer and I read it every day just in case I forget.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." --Unknown

I have lived purposefully, impulsively, honestly, whole heartedly and I have seized opportunities and I have given life everything I have so far.  The best part is, the journey has only begun. I am young. There is still so much time to make so many more bad decisions and I can't wait.

365 Project: Day 54

A cliff is a scary place to be. Get too close, even to just take a quick peek over the edge and the ground beneath you could crumble away, you could lose your balance, you could fall. Lately I've felt like I am on the verge of something bigger than myself. Some greater purpose. I don't know what it is, but I feel it so strongly.

I am constantly pushing myself toward personal growth and self discovery. What is my purpose? What am I truly capable of? My desire to know what is beyond my own boundaries consumes me.  Again and again I reach the very limits of my comfort zone and I slowly inch closer and closer to the brink. I get close, but I hesitate to take that final step into the unknown. My instinct is to hold back, clinging tightly to security.

John Burroughs said, "Leap, and the net will appear." I've learned this lesson time and time again. I've been lucky that every chance I've taken, though I was hesitant, once I gathered the courage to make that leap, I have found nothing but support. Somehow, there has always been a net to catch me.

So here I stand. Teetering on the verge of what comes next. Like a baby bird leaving the nest for the first time, I have to find the courage to take the plunge. I have to trust that I won't fall, because somewhere inside I know I can fly.

365 Project: Day 53

As the saying goes, "When one door closes, another one opens." I don't like this saying. I understand that its meant to be encouraging, but it always sucks when a door closes in your face. Even if another opportunity eventually comes along, who is happy about losing their job, their security, a relationship, a chance at something better, etc? No one likes to be disappointed. I tend to dwell on the closed door for a while.

But then they also say "Opportunity knocks." So, wait, I'm confused. Which side of the door am I on again? Am I waiting for doors to open or am I waiting for opportunity to knock on my door?

Either way, all I know is there are opportunities all around us. You just have to either find them or create your own. I'm not going to waste any more of my time waiting around for a door to open or for the gentle rapping of opportunity coming to find me. I don't have the patience for that. Life is way too short. Instead, I'm going to do it my own way and break down as many doors as it takes to find the life I want.

365 Project: Day 52

Do you ever feel like you just want to get in the car and drive off into the sunset? Music blaring, windows down, winding whipping through your hair...I get this itch all the time. I'm a flight risk for sure. In the past 8 years I have moved 9 times, lived in 8 different cities, in 3 different states, on both coasts, and lived in 11 different apartments/houses.

When I find a place I like, instead of vacationing for a week or two, I tend to just move there for a little while.  I love all the places I've lived and I feel like I'm a more well rounded person for having moved around so much at a young age.  By living this way I've been able to really experience the different places I've lived, I've met some great people and I've learned more hard lessons than I ever thought possible.

The only place I've lived more than once is Albuquerque. The first time around I only lived here 3 months. I showed up with my camera, a suitcase and my laptop. I never even unpacked my bag. I lived out of that suitcase for the entire 3 months.

Every time I move I purge things. I don't like to own a lot of things that I don't need. Belongings are just a burden to me. They just make it harder to pick up and go when the mood strikes. I make sure that I don't own more than will fit in my car. I love my car. I've had it almost 10 years and it has moved with me several times. The only place it didn't take me was to Boston. I loved taking the train and I didn't need it there.

When I say goodbye to a place and all the friends I made there, I also say goodbye to desks, lamps, couches, bookshelves, etc. It always amazes me that I can pack my entire life into a Toyota. But thats how I like it. I don't own anything that I don't need or that doesn't have some significant meaning to me. When I move, all my furniture is usually sold on Craigslist and everything I don't need is either thrown away, recycled, or donated.

Now that I'm back in Albuquerque, I plan to stay for a little while. I'm happy here. I have a ton of old friends here and a lot of new ones who I adore. Plus, my family is only 3 hours away. I haven't lived within driving distance of my family in at least 4 years. There are tons of places I still want to live and even though I still have that impulse to find somewhere new, its nice to be in Albuquerque for now. This time I even unpacked.

My Grandfather: Edwin Norris

My grandfather is the hero of our family. Its that simple. We are all so proud of him and so proud to be a part of his family. His passing on November 19th left a huge hole in our lives. We all looked up to him as the head of our family.

Grandaddy saluting at a Veteran's Day celebration.

Growing up, I always remember him being a quiet man. I wasn't aware of his military background or his role in the church, or that so many people looked up to him. He was just my Granddaddy. The perfect combination of warmth and sternness that made him someone I respected greatly. When Grandaddy spoke, we all stopped to listen. Every once in a while I would see how charming and witty he was. He would crack a joke with a sideways smile and a chuckle and we would all laugh. Grandaddy was sarcastic.

Grandaddy joined the army in March 1941. He was only 15 years old. Three of his brothers had joined the service and he didn't want to be left behind. He was big for his age and at 6'1" and 170 lbs, the recruiter never questioned that he was 18 and he was signed up.

We found most of this when going through his things after he passed.

(I want to make sure I get the facts straight so I'm going to quote his obituary:)

"He took basic training at Doddfield and joined K-Company, 9th Regiment (Manchu) 2nd Division, at Fort Sam Houston. His infantry and commando training was at Camp Bowie, Louisiana. Then on to winter training at Camp McCoy, Wisconsin, where T/SGT Norris served as recruit instructor under Colonel Jack K. Norris of the 38th Infantry.

Combat duty, for T/SGT Norris, began in Northern Ireland, Wales and England. He fought in the Normandy Invasion and was wounded by mortar shell in the Normandy breakout. He served in Normandy, Southern and Northern France and Ardennes-Alsace Campaigns.

T/SGT Norris was carried unconscious from the front lines sometime after the "Heartbreak Crossroads" battle, the north shoulder of the "Bulge", at Rocherath -Krinkkelt, to Wahlers- cheid. (Diagnosis-hypothermia) He was revived at a regimental-aid-station. Then he crossed country without boots to a division evacuation point.

From there, he was transported to Paris, France, then England, from which he was then shipped back to the states. T/SGT Norris received a medical discharge at Dewitt General Hospital, Auburn, California, August, 1945.

Technical Sergeant Norris was awarded the following medals: Combat Infantry Badge, 2 Bronze Stars w/First Oak Leaf Cluster, 2 Purple Hearts, E.A.M.E Campaign w/4 Bronze Stars w/arrowhead, Distinguished Presidential Unit Citation, Distinguished 1st Army Commander Citation Lausdell Crossroad, American Defense Medal and Good Conduct Medal."

I don't think I ever once talked to him about his experiences in WWII. But I know that he carried that with him for his entire life. I can't imagine what he went through at 15 years old. It makes his experiences even more amazing to me. Most men I know now, at 26 and older, aren't half the man he was at 15 years old.

Grandaddy met my grandmother on a blind date 2 days after leaving the service. Its so funny to hear her tell the story. She knew right away that he was the one for her. My great aunt knew of two soldiers who needed dates that night. She asked my grandmother and another girl if they would like to go out with them. My grandmother said sure and as soon as she saw him she turned to her friend and said "That one is mine."

I don't blame her. He was so handsome. This is my favorite picture of them together. They look so young and happy and in love. They were married for 63 years. She was a devoted wife and took care of him every second of their marriage, up until his very last breath.

This is my favorite picture of them.

When I think about his life, I know he lived it the way he thought was right. He was dedicated to God and was a strong Christian and a leader in the church. He worked hard and provided for his family. Grandaddy always tried his best to set an example for us. He was so incredibly hardworking, generous, thoughtful, strong, disciplined and humble. He was every good thing you could say about a person.

I was surprised at how many people said that he touched their lives through the years. So many came to pay their respects to him at the visitation and the funeral. After his funeral I heard someone say that he made her want to be a better person and live a better life. Hearing that was so powerful to me.

The preacher who officiated the funeral had only known my grandfather a year or so. In that time they had really hit it off and become very close. The preacher told a story at the grave site that really stuck with me. He said after church services one day he stopped my grandfather as he was leaving and asked if he could talk with him for a minute. My grandfather, always concerned and wanting to help, said "Of course, whatever you need." They stepped aside and the preacher told my grandfather how much he looked up to him as a person and said that he wished that he could be just like him.

My grandfather was a role model and someone to be admired. The way he lived inspired people. My whole life I don't think I understood the magnitude of him as a person and the affect he had on the world. I didn't realize any of this until I saw it in those people's faces. To me, he was always my just my Grandaddy. He was and is my hero.

365 Project: Day 33

Walking outside into the newly crisp air today it all of a sudden hit me: its fall. Sometimes it seems like a person's whole world consists of the three foot radius surrounding their body. We keep our heads down as we go about our days and forget to glance up to see what is happening just beyond our bubble. I took a moment to step outside myself and open my field of vision. I noticed the trees near my house are almost bare. The fallen leaves were tumbling down the street on a breeze. When did this happen? Where have I been?

As I was driving I started to think what it must be like to live the life of a tree. During the process of your growth you have tethered yourself firmly to the ground. That is your place in the world. In your lifetime you'd witness an amazing amount of things from one spot.

Your life would be a constant a cycle. Once a year your leaves would change to the most brilliant shades of gold and burgundy. Then, the Winter would strip you bare and coat you in a cloak of white only to have the warmth of the sun awaken you in the Spring. You would be reborn. A fresh start every year.

There was a point to this thought process. I don't usually go around thinking of the lives of trees. I was thinking of this because of the band Dead Sea Choir. There is a link on their website to a Google search for "I want to start my life all over again". Its very interesting what you come across when you search for this. When I clicked on some of the search results, I found cries for help from sad, desperate people who felt trapped in their unhappy lives. For one personal reason or another, they've each come to a point where they feel the path they've followed in life isn't right anymore and they are ready for a do-over. It made me sad to think people live their lives feeling this way.

Someone once told me it is never too late to start over. She said no matter your age, or circumstance, or the choices you've made in life, you can always start again. It is never too late for a do-over. People never tell you this about life. I felt like she was letting me in on a secret. These words of wisdom have stuck with me for years. And I live by them.

Change, especially life change, is hard and its scary. This is why we resist it. This is why we think it is impossible and we cling to the predictable even though it can make us miserable. Throughout my life I have discovered that I am not this way. One day I can just decide that I'm done. I'm over it. I might resist the idea at first, but once I make up my mind that I am finished with a part of my life, I do a complete 180 and change everything. I have done this a couple of times in my short life already.

I think I am like a tree, and I find that empowering. Just when I feel like my branches are being pulled down by the weight of Winter, I eventually find the sun and start again. I wish that other people felt like they had the power to change their lives. I hope I have let them in on this secret like she did for me.