365 Project: Day 135

I am uninspired. Still. I wish I had the words to explain how emotionally difficult it is for me to feel this way. I'm just going through the motions every day and its draining and unfulfilling. When I can't create its like I'm missing a huge part of what makes me who I am. The world looks completely different to me when I am uninspired.

I had a great photo shoot yesterday with a beautiful young woman. As I was looking through the lens I remembered what it was like to be at that point in my life: 18, just about to finish high school, and bursting with optimism and possibility. The girl I was back then thought she had it all figured out. I miss that feeling of being so sure of myself. Ten years ago I was full of fire, now I'm full of questions. As the years go by I feel that flame fizzling out. I feel myself settling for the ashes of the woman I wanted to become.  

 

I have to stop there. Its so hard for me to write this entry. It is uncomfortably real. Analyzing my feelings and writing this is emotionally exhausting. These words are the truth and I can't seem to find a way to censor myself or sugar-coat it. I am trying to be honest with myself and I'm putting it all out there. I'm working hard to set new goals and right some wrongs in my life. I am making some major changes and personal change is difficult. Its a very emotional process that I've been avoiding for months by stalling with this project. I didn't want to write about all of this. I've been surrounding myself with distractions, trying to dull the reality that I'm in this place right now where I have a million questions and no answers. 

365 Project: Day 68

People have always told me how beautiful they thought the desert was. I never saw it when I was younger.  When I looked around, all I saw was brown, dead earth. Its hot as hell during the summer, freezing in the winter and the wind in the spring will knock you down. I never appreciated it growing up.

I moved away when I was 18. Every place I have lived since has been green and near a large body of water. I craved the ocean, fields of grass, and lush trees. But, every time I came back to the desert for a visit I appreciated it a little more. The vast, open sky amazed me more and more every time I left the confining buildings of the city. I started to see that the desert wasn't just brown. It was gold, rust, chocolate and so many other shades of the earth. 

For a few weeks at the end of summer there is a monsoon season in New Mexico. It will rain for days and days like its never going to stop. The land is so thirsty from a long summer and it soaks up every last drop. After the rain has passed, the desert explodes with growth. The once lifeless land grows into green fields and millions of beautiful wild flowers almost over night. It is amazing to see the transformation.

Now that I'm living in the desert again, I really identify with it. For the longest time I was dormant. I felt plain and lifeless.  But being back home and near my family and friends for the past few months has recharged me. I feel myself coming back to life. I see now that the desert isn't dead. It just doesn't have everything it needs to live and reach its full potential. With a little rain it can come alive and surprise you with a beauty you never expected.

365 Project: Day 57

A woman's hair really has a lot of significance to her. You don't realize how much of your personal security lies in your hair until you decide to cut it all off. My entire life I've gotten compliments on my hair. The unusual color, the texture, the thickness. I've even had complete strangers come up and touch my hair without even asking, which is really strange to me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and it struck me how long my hair has gotten and I also noticed how pleased I was because of that.

I've almost always kept my hair long. There have been a few times in my life that I decided to cut it short. The first time I was 4 or 5. My mother had a very short haircut and I wanted my hair to look like hers. When I came home to show my dad, he told me I looked like a boy. But I don't remember that particularly bothering me. Then, when I was 12 or 13, I had my hair cut short to look like a picture I had seen in a magazine. Once I saw myself in the mirror I was devastated. Although I wear my hair straight, it is naturally curly. I hadn't taken this into account when choosing this particular look and I cried for days. My mother even took me to have my hair straightened to see if that would help. It didn't. When I started high school I had an A-line haircut. It was completely shaved in the back and underneath. My sister used to help me shave my head with the dog's clippers. It sounds terrible the way I'm describing it, but everyone seemed to really like it and I did too.

All of the times I have cut my hair in the past, were simply because I wanted a change. I think when I chopped my hair off a few years ago, it was for a different reason. I was at a point in my life where I was trying to figure a lot of things out. I was completely lost and I felt out of control. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to take control of something in my life. My hair had to go. I walked into the salon and told the woman I wanted it cut just above my shoulders. I left pleased. But it wasn't enough. Two weeks later I went back and had her take the rest of it off. All of my hair was about 2 inches long. Now, I was even more pleased. Looking back, I see that it wasn't about a haircut, it was about rebellion, control, disguise, change, independence, and becoming someone else.

When I was in Texas just recently my grandmother was looking at me. She told me she was glad that my hair was growing long again. Her exact words were, "You just didn't look like Sara with your hair short like that." She's not the only person to tell me this. By changing my looks so drastically, I had become unrecognizable to the people who knew me best. They knew something was off. I think subconsciously that's why I did it. I was at a point in my life where I didn't know who I was. Even I didn't recognize myself. So I changed my looks to match the way I was feeling inside. It was like I had to clear the slate and start over from the beginning.

I kept my hair short for a couple of years after that. I wasn't ready to let go of that control. Over the past year or so, I've finally started to let my hair grow back. It was over this last year that I could feel a change in myself. I was growing stronger. I was figuring out what I wanted from my life and how to accomplish those goals. A woman typically cuts her hair about every 6 weeks. Now, my hair has not been cut in 7 months. I can't bring myself to cut it. Its almost like the longer it grows, the more I change back into the person I lost. I was so pleased when I noticed my hair in the mirror because with every day that goes by, I'm slowly starting to recognize the person looking back at me.

365 Project: Day 33

Walking outside into the newly crisp air today it all of a sudden hit me: its fall. Sometimes it seems like a person's whole world consists of the three foot radius surrounding their body. We keep our heads down as we go about our days and forget to glance up to see what is happening just beyond our bubble. I took a moment to step outside myself and open my field of vision. I noticed the trees near my house are almost bare. The fallen leaves were tumbling down the street on a breeze. When did this happen? Where have I been?

As I was driving I started to think what it must be like to live the life of a tree. During the process of your growth you have tethered yourself firmly to the ground. That is your place in the world. In your lifetime you'd witness an amazing amount of things from one spot.

Your life would be a constant a cycle. Once a year your leaves would change to the most brilliant shades of gold and burgundy. Then, the Winter would strip you bare and coat you in a cloak of white only to have the warmth of the sun awaken you in the Spring. You would be reborn. A fresh start every year.

There was a point to this thought process. I don't usually go around thinking of the lives of trees. I was thinking of this because of the band Dead Sea Choir. There is a link on their website to a Google search for "I want to start my life all over again". Its very interesting what you come across when you search for this. When I clicked on some of the search results, I found cries for help from sad, desperate people who felt trapped in their unhappy lives. For one personal reason or another, they've each come to a point where they feel the path they've followed in life isn't right anymore and they are ready for a do-over. It made me sad to think people live their lives feeling this way.

Someone once told me it is never too late to start over. She said no matter your age, or circumstance, or the choices you've made in life, you can always start again. It is never too late for a do-over. People never tell you this about life. I felt like she was letting me in on a secret. These words of wisdom have stuck with me for years. And I live by them.

Change, especially life change, is hard and its scary. This is why we resist it. This is why we think it is impossible and we cling to the predictable even though it can make us miserable. Throughout my life I have discovered that I am not this way. One day I can just decide that I'm done. I'm over it. I might resist the idea at first, but once I make up my mind that I am finished with a part of my life, I do a complete 180 and change everything. I have done this a couple of times in my short life already.

I think I am like a tree, and I find that empowering. Just when I feel like my branches are being pulled down by the weight of Winter, I eventually find the sun and start again. I wish that other people felt like they had the power to change their lives. I hope I have let them in on this secret like she did for me.

Pick a card, any card!

Day 3: Greeting Cards!

Want to say "Thank you.", "Happy Birthday!", Congratulations.", or just "Hi."?  

These 4x5 greeting cards are available in sets of 4 with 4 white envelopes.  They are printed with images from my Boardwalk, Ranunculus, and Roots image collections.  You can also choose any four images from my shop to create your own custom set! The cards are blank inside so you can add your own personal message.  The envelope has a scalloped edge on the flap to give this set a little something extra.

**Brand Spankin' New**

September is already in full swing and Fall is starting to sneak up on us!  So, in the spirit of the changing seasons, Sara Norris Photography is changing too! 

I have been working hard and I am adding a lot of new items to my Etsy shop this week. Its so exciting to be able to incorporate my photography into new works of art! There will be a new series of products introduced every day this week and I'm having my first ever give away on Friday, September 18th.

Day 1: Pendants!

Glass tile pendants with my images are now available! There are a variety of pendants currently available or create your own by choosing any image from my shop. Take your pick! These pendants are sealed to be waterproof (although I wouldn't recommend immersing them in water). They come with a silver bail and delicate ribbon. 

Check back every day this week for more great new things from Sara Norris Photography!