September 6, 2010

365 Project: Day 135

I am uninspired. Still. I wish I had the words to explain how emotionally difficult it is for me to feel this way. I'm just going through the motions every day and its draining and unfulfilling. When I can't create its like I'm missing a huge part of what makes me who I am. The world looks completely different to me when I am uninspired.

I had a great photo shoot yesterday with a beautiful young woman. As I was looking through the lens I remembered what it was like to be at that point in my life: 18, just about to finish high school, and bursting with optimism and possibility. The girl I was back then thought she had it all figured out. I miss that feeling of being so sure of myself. Ten years ago I was full of fire, now I'm full of questions. As the years go by I feel that flame fizzling out. I feel myself settling for the ashes of the woman I wanted to become.  

I have to stop there. Its so hard for me to write this entry. It is uncomfortably real. Analyzing my feelings and writing this is emotionally exhausting. These words are the truth and I can't seem to find a way to censor myself or sugar-coat it. I am trying to be honest with myself and I'm putting it all out there. I'm working hard to set new goals and right some wrongs in my life. I am making some major changes and personal change is difficult. Its a very emotional process that I've been avoiding for months by stalling with this project. I didn't want to write about all of this. I've been surrounding myself with distractions, trying to dull the reality that I'm in this place right now where I have a million questions and no answers. 

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