365 Project: Day 89

Photoshop is amazing. I learned how to use this program about 10 years ago and, wow, it has come a long way since then. It is one of the many tools that enables me to express myself creatively. Its just incredible what you can accomplish with this one program. I've been working on learning some new skills and techniques lately and I am having so much fun playing around with it.

This smoke effect could not better describe my state of mind this week. I've just been going crazy with stress. I've known I would be a photographer since I was 7 years old, but pursuing it as my full time job is really new to me. The work and sales are still really inconsistent at this point and its a scary feeling when funds are getting low and it starts to sink in that maybe I should try to find a job. Ugh. There is no worse hell that I can imagine at this point than having a full time job. When I'm working at a job, I melt down creatively. Its not that I don't want to work. Believe me, I work harder now than I ever did with a full time job. But its a different kind of work. Sitting in a beige office with utility carpeting, florescent lighting, little bobble head dolls and various other knick-knacks on people's desks just crushes my soul.

I walked into an office today to pay a bill and almost had a panic attack. Walking through the rows of desks, phones ringing in the background, people glued to their rolling desk chairs, motivational posters on the walls, cubicle partitions...I don't want that sort of life. Its just not for me. I stood in line waiting to pay my bill and seriously started to break out in a sweat just thinking that I could be working in a place like this in the very near future. I could just feel my dreams starting to slip away from me.

My dream of being a full time photographer is like my baby. I'll do anything to defend and protect it. I am so happy with my life right now, that the thought of losing it all because of something as stupid as money is just devastating. But, the universe (or whatever you believe) came to my rescue once again. I don't know why I ever doubt that there is a plan for me. This is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. This is exactly where I'm supposed to be and things have just fallen into place yet again. Somehow, whenever I need help the most, it just appears and I'm amazed every time it happens. This has turned out to be an amazing week and I'm so glad that everything has worked out.

365 Project: Day 82

I woke up really stressed out this morning. It was the strangest thing. I was in a panic. There was a lot to get accomplished today, but that's not really different from any other day in my life. Sometimes, when I have a lot to do, even though I'm organized and I've made a list of what needs to be accomplished, I lose direction. I'll find myself standing, usually in the middle of my house for some reason, just trying to decide what I need to do first. That's when I start to feel overwhelmed. I'll just stand there or pace around thinking and trying to sort everything out in my head. Then I usually do the dishes or clean something. For some reason, doing the dishes calms me down. Maybe because my hands are busy and I can focus, accomplish something that needs to be taken care of, and burn off some of my nervous energy all at the same time.

I realize its not only the tasks on my list today that are stressing me out, but that's what I focus on. Even though I absolutely love my life right now, there are always those little issues. For one thing, I am exhausted. I don't sleep much or well when I do manage to fall asleep. Money, or my lack thereof really upsets me, even subconsciously. I try not to think about it, but every now and then, it'll creep up on me. There is a reason that the term "Starving Artist" exists, its not a myth. I think it gets to me because I know I'm working so incredibly hard and I'm trying the best I can to pull it all together. I LOVE what I do and that's why I keep at it, but I never seem to get ahead. All this work is toward an ultimate goal, and that's what keeps me going. The tasks on my list, those are the things I have control over. I can complete a list of tasks, but I can't make money magically appear and I can't force myself to rest. Believe me, I've tried to do both. So, every now and then, I have a day like today. A day where all of the things I try not to think about confront me. A day that is overwhelming and upsetting and unbelievably stressful.

Working out helps. I had a long workout today. I'm going to hurt like hell tomorrow, but I feel better right now. Then, I laid down and read a book for a short while so I had time to just breathe. I got to lose myself in Edgar Cayce's life for half an hour. Maybe that's why I like to read biographies. I get to experience someone else's life and avoid whatever is bothering me about mine.

I finished most of the tasks on my list today. I kept up with several of my New Year's resolutions. Those are accomplishments to be happy about. Just as I'm writing this post, I received several positive comments on my photography and an email letting me know that I was featured on a really great blog today! Those are the things that make this struggle all worth while for me. One day all of my hard work will pay off and I will finally get ahead. I know tomorrow I'll be just fine.